Photo: Citizen TV’s Willis Raburu with wife Prude, the two are reported to be separated.
Memo No 19 from The National Desk of the Welfare of Men
Healing After a Breakup/Divorce
{This is a continuation the previous two memos, mine and Mohamed Abdi Aliow’s where we urged men to let go off women who no longer want to be with them. A bit long}
Many men have asked me,
‘But Silas, how do we move on?”
The question is more painful than women will ever imagine where kids are involved. A man who loves his kids being separated from them is the most damaging thing that can happen to any man. But it is a cruel world out here, going by the horrors I have listened to, but that is a memo for another day.
I am no expert of moving on, so, I urge men here to share their ‘moving on’ experiences in the comments section or in my inbox, so that I can share with others. But here is my take.
One thing I learnt as a child is that life is imperfect. That was immediately after the death of my mother, and I had to live with the tag, orphan for the rest of my life. No matter how perfect you want your life to be, how much you plan, how much you work hard, how much you pray, somehow, life always comes with different plans for all of us.
This lesson has stayed with me when I fail to get an A, when I don’t land my crush, when I miss out on a job, and such. I always tell myself; life is not perfect. It is something that has helped deal with breakups. I compare breakups to death. There is nothing you can do with death. And once a relationship is over, it is dead and you will never resurrect it, resuscitate it, and restore it to its original state. NEVER. Not when it is the woman who decided to call it quits.
In the recent past, I have talked to men who in their estimation did right by them and to God, but still things never worked. The shock on their face is feverish. While they have accepted it is over, they don’t know how to move on.
The best way to try and move on is to understand how and why you married or had a relationship in the first place. Men and women get into relationships for different reasons. Whereas relationships are transactional, women tend to be better at the relationship business than men. Women world over are extremely transactional and utilitarian. Most men are never aware of this, or they learn about this too late in life.
Once a relationship stops catering to the needs of a woman, few can hang around. The needs maybe emotional, physical or social or financial (mostly) and few men are good at satisfying all the needs of a woman. Understanding this, can help men heal faster. Knowing what brought her to you and what reason she cites as leaving (you not being romantic, not caring, broke, etc, and other rationalizations as they dump your ass and climb the hypergamy ladder. Bro, it is never personal, and that is why some women may want back, long after you have healed and moved on.)
So, every man needs to know the following: When a woman says, ‘I love you’ she means:
1. I love the social or cash security that you provide.
2. I love that my girlfriends like you, or you are husband material.
3. I like you better than the other guys hitting on me (for now).
4. I love your wisdom.
5. Or you are the fool that gives me cash {Told you guys to stop giving women money—unless she is your mother or sister, don’t ever give a woman money. Women despise men who give them money. My stingiest friends get laid more, or even get paid for their Cabling services. It is counterintuitive, but trust me, men who treat women better hardly get anything good in return.
As a man, any time you dealing with a lady, ask yourself, WHY IS SHE WITH ME?
And once she tells you IT IS OVER, bro, don’t ever beg. You will never receive sufficient explanation. You will NEVER get the closure you want. Accept the following.
1. You will never change her mind.
2. Nothing you will ever do to win her back.
NB: Under some circumstances, I have observed some women always want back, but that is after they have been out there, had fun, studied enough ceilings, and now, they may want you back, to tolerate you and survive into their sunset years. She will still loathe and despise you. Don’t be the simp who takes her back. You are not a rehabilitation centre. Besides, taking back a woman who despised you and left on her terms, rarely works. You will despise her, and she will be an object of pity and success rate of things ever working is 2 percent, world over.
Ways in which you can mitigate the heartbreak:
1. Always make it clear that you are not afraid to lose her and mean it. As long you are doing what is right, in your eyes and God’s eyes, you can only stay with someone who wants to stay. This does not mean that you get lazy or give up on the relationship. Do your best but know when you can’t take bullshit. Draw that line, early enough.
If this can add some context, think of it this way, if she ever wants to leave, she will never think about you and your feelings at all. Women have no capacity for mercy, once their minds are made up. That is why a man can pay for a woman to go to college and she will come back and tell the man you are not my class, and there is no shortage of women out here who thinks this is decent behaviour and can defend it with a lot of bad English.
2. Don’t ever take her back or go back to her. It never works once you have parted ways. You both become different people and that is why, it will never work.
3. Never, ever make a woman the point of focus in your life. Only your mum. Dispense your responsibility as a man, love her proportionately with how she reciprocates. (Subject of future memo).
4. Invest in your children, emotionally and financially.
5. Guard your mental health.
But let us assume that, you didn’t know all these things and you have broken up. How do you move on? It depends on so many things. a) Is it a marriage? b(Are there kid (s) involved? C) Was it a long-time relationship?
Where kids are involved, it can be tricky, and it is something I am talking with men in such situations and will be sharing their stories soon in a future memo.
There is no one size fits all recommendation, or some magical pill for this. It is one of those diseases where we combine a number of recommendations.
For starters, assuming you get the breakup at 30, the first thing you need to know is that the life expectancy in Kenya is 65. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life regretting or living with resentment, or you want to pick the pieces and create a new future for the remainder of your life. Remember a woman 99 percent of the time, breaks up with you when she has a backup plan. (This is different from when you screw up as a man, and she is leaving because of your stupidity, I mean, when a woman out of nowhere wants out). So, don’t worry about someone who moves into another man’s arms and having fun. Digest the pain and draw a road map for what is good for you. Don’t rush. It is a process.
Secondly, it is not going to be easy. Because she now lives in your memory and boy, she will haunt you like crazy. You will hear her favourite song in a club. You will encounter a woman wearing her perfume. You will see a lot of ghosts like her in the street. You will wet-dream about her. You will hate the wet mess afterwards. The better to allow your brain to process the memories until it gets tired on its own. But if the memories persist, you need a positive distraction. Reading, exercising, a new hobby, a new relationship. Something to replace her memories from your mind. Every person knows what works for them. But I suggest you keep off drugs and liquor as they can make your misery larger than necessary and often too easy an escape.
Thirdly, I reiterate. Remember, moving on is very easy for women, if she did the dumping. Often, she dumps you mentally before she physically departs. Once you understand she is having a good time elsewhere, you might as well, try and get over the hurt and move on. It is easy, to be stuck in a place, but try and move on.
Once you understand she is not coming back, that the breakup will alter the two of you into two totally different people, you will process your moving on pretty fast.
It hurts you as a man, because you went in with clean intentions, but good intentions have never kept an hypergamous woman around.
Lastly, no matter your age, don’t give up. Develop an abundance mentality. There are still wonderful women out here. I meet them every day, and I have hopes that there is someone out there for everyone.
If it is any consolation, time is kinder on men. But you have to take care of yourself first. Keep fit, make money, stay sharp and every day tone down the resentment in your heart. It gets better with time.
NB: PERMIT TO ANNOUNCE A FEW THINGS ABOUT THE NOVEL
1. We are done selling the first ever edition of Sexorcised. The first batch is gone. Thanks for everyone who bought the novel, read it and was kind enough to send their feedback or criticism. I acknowledge that there were glaring errors, that you guys were forgiving enough, goes a long way. It is my first book, I will get better with time. By all measures, it has been a tremendous success, I feel stupendous.
However, there are those who may have missed out on it. Kemunto still has some 10 or so copies, grab them before they are out.
The second edition may have a few alterations to suit the international market. And it will be better still for those who want a kinkier, or hotter cover, than the present one, I will be revealing the new cover in the next few days.
From today, we will be printing on order, so, if you still want the book, drop me a message on inbox.
2. We are yet to do a Nairobi official launch. This Saturday, my friend, a mentor and man who drew me to this writing business and who I can’t thank enough is hosting me and a bunch of creatives for a rooftop reading of the book and I am honoured.
For the Nairobi launch, later in the month (TBD), we going to serve some good meal, you will carry your favourite drink, kitenge and we will kill of the afternoon in the outskirts of Nairobi.
3. I do have a series of interviews lined up (audio-visual-written) and I will be going live in person to talk about the book and answer any questions, sometime next week.
Happy weekend folks.
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